This will be the first post just about me in a long time, but tonight after my day today….this one is about my Sunshine.
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Over the past 3 weeks or so I keep telling myself “what is so wrong with you??” I have to me not been me. This morning our Ladies Bible Class started and we are doing the Beth Moore study of Esther, I really enjoyed it, but have to admit at times I was fighting back tears. Again I was saying “Lynette get it together” I came home and had a great lunch with Shawn and all three girls. I went and layed down with Madelyn and Ella to get them to sleep for naps. This is always a time of my day that is quiet and I pray, reflect on the day so far, think about what I need to do……but today Devon was all I could think about. I think about Devon everyday but today it hit me when I was not expecting it. The thoughts that flooded my head….I hate this time of year, I hate that school starts and my baby is not there on his first day of Junior High. I hate the start of football, he would be playing his first year of football, I mean real football with pads and everything, I would be the Mommy in the stands cheering so loud but crying at the same time because that is my baby out there. I hate Homecoming and that is fast approaching. I hate that at Homecoming there are the class floats for the Pep Rally. You see the day I lost Devon after school a few of the parents got together to start buliding the Homecoming Float after school, we worked on the 1st Grade float before heading to gymnastics that day. I hate that there is an empty chair everytime we sit down to eat. I hate that I am not running like crazy every evening to get Devon to all of the pratices that he needs to go to and then get homework done while juggling the other 3 girls. I hate the empty feeling that will never go away. I hate that it has been 2,182 days that I have not gotten to feel Devon’s hugs and kisses or hold is hand.
On September 23 it will be 6 years since Devon was killed, He will have been in heaven the same amout of time I had him here……..that is hard for me to grasp. I know God has a plan, and Devon will always be innocent and God’s perfect angel. I have prayed everyday since I lost him that God will give him a good night kiss for me, I will continue this prayer until I can do it again. God does not put us through anything we can not bear. I believe it should be said You will be able to bear all things you will go through as long as God is who you are leaning on and seeking guidance from…….then I look at the chalk board that has the girls monthly bible verse:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
I have not had a day like today in a while, I can say I am much better today that I have been these past 6 years. Just when I think I am ok……I am not, I miss my baby and the part of me that died that day too will be forever empty. God will continue to carry me through this flash of life, and he will sit me next to my sweet boy before I know it….. I can not wait for that day.
I am thankful for Shawn who God placed in my life at the perfect time, I LOVE Madelyn, Ella and Jillian more than life its self. I am thankful that God gave them to me to bring that Joy back to my life. When I am sad and crying and Jillian comes up and Kisses Devon’s picture and smiles at him like she sees him everyday. And to hear the sweet prayer of Madelyn to be with Mommy because she is sad and misses Devon……puts a smile on my face and makes me feel so blessed and so thankful for what God has done for me.
I will end this post with a conversation I can still hear……
“Mommy what will you do when you see Jesus? Well Devon I really think I will in Awe of Him stand still………Oh…..well Mommy I am going to dance and dance and sing so loud….yes Mommy that is what I am going to do”
I love you my sweet sunshine. I miss you every moment of every day. Until I see you again…..I can Only Imagine……..
Jada - Sweet sweet girl!! I can not feel the pain you have in your heart but I do feel the pain that you share with us here. It brakes my heart and I know Devon is an angel watching over you constantly. Thank you for sharing a post that was all about you and your sunshine! You have the right to do it and I feel you should do it more. There are days I think about you and what a strong woman of God you are-the talents the Lord has given you, you Are using to bless others and I see it your posts here. And He wanted you to be a momma of a wonderful family and that’s is why He gave you Shawn and those 3 beautiful girls!! You are so beautiful in so many ways-I thank God for you and the ‘sunshine’ that you bring to others!!
Love you-
Jada
Jeanette - Lynette,
It is heart-wrenching to think about your sweet Devon. There are no words to make that pain go away, but just know that you are loved and that you are a beautiful gift to this world. Just as Devon was. Look at all the lives he stroked and the change he brought to them. My love and prayers go out to you…………..
Kara Copeland - Sweet Lynette! I CANNOT imagine the pain you have sufferred and continue to suffer each day that you wake up without your precious Devon. As a mother and friend, I sit and read your blog post and just cry. Your strength and faithfulness teach me a very important lesson! As I sit here this morning and feel down and out, overwhelmed with a 1 year old red-headed fireball who won’t mind at all, and frustrated with a job that is wearing on me emotionally, I stop and thank my God for blessing my life immensely! I thank God for putting people in my life like you who lift me up through their life experiences to show me true faith, grace, and love! Love ya lady…praying every day for your hurting spirit!
Monica - Dear Lynette, you are so special to me. I remember that night like it was yesterday. Oh, how he would call me his “girlfriend”. What a special boy he was. You have been there for me thru this year and I know God put you there for me. You are so strong and faithful. I pray that you will find peace and comfort. What a special person you are. Love ya.
Joy Field - Friend- Devon was so special. What was so amazing about Devon, to me, was his relationship with Christ. You were his teacher Lynette. You are the sunshine that taught Devon. You are the one that teaches us moms and wives to appreciate what we have everyday. To not take it for granted. and most of all to Thank God everyday for what we have. I feel your pain so much, reading this today is so painful for me, I can’t imagine how deep it is for you. Thank you though, for sharing your honest feelings, in order to teach us that can, sometimes, get too caught up in life and take it for granted the simple blessing of living a full life and watching our kids grow up. Thank you for reminding us that it is God who strengthens us, and only Him. I am here for you, friend and thank God that he has crossed our paths again. I think about Devon all the time when I am doing things with or for James and will be praying for God to provide relief for your pain.
jill - Oh Lynette…I am crying as I remember that day….I think that is why I haven’t liked homecoming ever since. It just brings back all those memories. I will continue to pray for you! Love you!
Angie - Lynette,my heart goes out to you each and everyday. You are such a strong woman, I have learned so much from you in the past six years. You are very blessed to have such a wonderful man and 3 beautiful girls. Thank you for sharing your pain with us, such a great way to share your feelings and help others. The sun shines each and every day!!!
Kagney - Sweet, precious friend….I am crying reading this and feel God is with you. Love you and hope to get to know your precious spirit more!
Tavia - Lynette,
I am so sorry for your loss. My little sister was killed in a car accident when she was 18. No matter how horrible that was and is I know it does not come close to the despair over the loss of a child. I have seen my mom go through every emotion you have described in your post. Both she and I miss Kimberly to this day and not only do we miss the life she lead but we greive for the life she did not live long enough to have… I completely understand when you say part of you died. I know a piece of my heart was buried with my sister and I am not at all the same person I would be if she were still here. In some ways I am probably a better person and in other ways just simply a different person – my sister never knew the person I now am. I found that I am stronger than I ever imagined and that when I feel completely lost that God carries me…but that does not take away the longing or pain and sometimes it does hit us out when we least expect it. Please know you are in my prayer.