This will be the first post just about me in a long time, but tonight after my day today….this one is about my Sunshine.
Over the past 3 weeks or so I keep telling myself “what is so wrong with you??” I have to me not been me. This morning our Ladies Bible Class started and we are doing the Beth Moore study of Esther, I really enjoyed it, but have to admit at times I was fighting back tears. Again I was saying “Lynette get it together” I came home and had a great lunch with Shawn and all three girls. I went and layed down with Madelyn and Ella to get them to sleep for naps. This is always a time of my day that is quiet and I pray, reflect on the day so far, think about what I need to do……but today Devon was all I could think about. I think about Devon everyday but today it hit me when I was not expecting it. The thoughts that flooded my head….I hate this time of year, I hate that school starts and my baby is not there on his first day of Junior High. I hate the start of football, he would be playing his first year of football, I mean real football with pads and everything, I would be the Mommy in the stands cheering so loud but crying at the same time because that is my baby out there. I hate Homecoming and that is fast approaching. I hate that at Homecoming there are the class floats for the Pep Rally. You see the day I lost Devon after school a few of the parents got together to start buliding the Homecoming Float after school, we worked on the 1st Grade float before heading to gymnastics that day. I hate that there is an empty chair everytime we sit down to eat. I hate that I am not running like crazy every evening to get Devon to all of the pratices that he needs to go to and then get homework done while juggling the other 3 girls. I hate the empty feeling that will never go away. I hate that it has been 2,182 days that I have not gotten to feel Devon’s hugs and kisses or hold is hand.
On September 23 it will be 6 years since Devon was killed, He will have been in heaven the same amout of time I had him here……..that is hard for me to grasp. I know God has a plan, and Devon will always be innocent and God’s perfect angel. I have prayed everyday since I lost him that God will give him a good night kiss for me, I will continue this prayer until I can do it again. God does not put us through anything we can not bear. I believe it should be said You will be able to bear all things you will go through as long as God is who you are leaning on and seeking guidance from…….then I look at the chalk board that has the girls monthly bible verse:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
I have not had a day like today in a while, I can say I am much better today that I have been these past 6 years. Just when I think I am ok……I am not, I miss my baby and the part of me that died that day too will be forever empty. God will continue to carry me through this flash of life, and he will sit me next to my sweet boy before I know it….. I can not wait for that day.
I am thankful for Shawn who God placed in my life at the perfect time, I LOVE Madelyn, Ella and Jillian more than life its self. I am thankful that God gave them to me to bring that Joy back to my life. When I am sad and crying and Jillian comes up and Kisses Devon’s picture and smiles at him like she sees him everyday. And to hear the sweet prayer of Madelyn to be with Mommy because she is sad and misses Devon……puts a smile on my face and makes me feel so blessed and so thankful for what God has done for me.
I will end this post with a conversation I can still hear……
“Mommy what will you do when you see Jesus? Well Devon I really think I will in Awe of Him stand still………Oh…..well Mommy I am going to dance and dance and sing so loud….yes Mommy that is what I am going to do”
I love you my sweet sunshine. I miss you every moment of every day. Until I see you again…..I can Only Imagine……..